Yesterday's Tomorrow

     As yesterday's tomorrow (today) comes to an end, I can't help but reflect upon the past two weeks' worth of travels. To put it plainly, time enjoys playing tricks on us, and the past two weeks, regardless of how fast or slow they seemingly felt, taught me lessons and took me places that I did not expect. Therefore, maybe my reflections might help to serve as somewhat of a road-map for others.


     For starters, let me explain why I spoke of today as yesterday's tomorrow. Yesterday's tomorrow adds unnecessary complication to the title of "today." In the pursuit of God's will, things often get a tad twisted and therefore complicated. It's not that God's will gets twisted. I get twisted.
     Most of where I begin (and hopefully I can now say began) twisting things comes after God answers me. Confusing, right? Well, the problem comes when I deny the still small voice and begin looking for His voice amongst a strong wind, an earthquake, or a fire. Basically, I doubt His first answer and implore Him to give me some prophetic vision or dream, some supernatural and undeniable event, or a clear-as-day smack on the face so that I know for sure what He said. I don't mean to say that there is anything wrong with these, what's wrong comes in my lack of allowing the Word to confirm what I heard from the Spirit.
    

     Sometimes God speaks through the obvious. Moses experienced this on numerous occasions, and Paul recounted his "blinding" experience over and over throughout the course of his life. But it seems that most of the time God's will comes in that still and small voice. My response to the still small voice normally twists and complicates things. When Elijah heard the still small voice in 1Kings 19:11-18, verse 13 says that "he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave." I don't know for certain if he wrapped his face because of the powerful wind that just swept by, but I think that that explanation would only scratch the surface.
     Elijah, a prophet of the LORD, knew the voice of the LORD, and he knew that the wind, earthquake, and fire that just swept by came from the glory of God. I do not know why Elijah "wrapped his face in his mantle," but it seems that he paid some sort of reverence to God's holiness in his approach of Him. And thus lies my first fault: I approached God with a lack of reverence. I began seeking some great and mighty sign and actually came to the point that I said to myself, "The table of the LORD is contemptible (to be despised)" (Malachi 1:7c).
     Intense, right? Ya, I was in a low place. But praise God that, by His grace, He picked me up out of the net, widened the path beneath my feet, and led me to the book of Malachi, where Israel had made all the mistakes that I lived in at that time.
     I share this because of the ease at which I slipped into territory that scared me clean out of my mind. I literally found myself crying out, "Where am I?" to God. And, in a society that seeks the supernatural and seeks a sign as fervently as the one we live in, I have a new compassion and anguish for those who walk not by faith and rather by sight. Even the signs and wonders that we should seek (e.g., biblical healing, deliverance, prophecy, words of knowledge, and other sign gifts, all of which are used for the glory of God) come by faith and not by works.
     Malachi summarizes all of this by proclaiming God's heart in saying:

"A son honors his father, and a servant his master. If then I am the Father, where is My honor? And if I am a Master, where is My reverence? Says the LORD of hosts to you priests who despise My name. Yet you say, 'In what way have we despised Your name?' You offer defiled food on My altar, but say, 'In what way have we defiled You?' By saying, 'The table of the LORD is contemptible.' And when you offer the blind as a sacrifice, is it not evil? And when you offer the lame and sick, is it not evil? Offer it then to your governor! Would he be pleased with you? Would he accept you favorably?" Says the LORD of hosts.

-Malachi 1:6-8

     So, Elijah "wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave." As for myself, when I heard the still small voice, I immediately ran out of the cave in hopes that I would feel the power of the mighty wind, hear the thunderous pounding and splitting of the rocks from the earthquake, or catch aflame in the heat of the great and magnificent fire. And, in my pursuit of something magnificent, I missed the beautiful voice of my Beloved softly speaking in my ear. Thus, while Elijah heard the voice that comforted him and asked, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" (1Kings 19:13), I found myself in a foreign country, fearing even more for my life than before, and imploring of God, "What am I doing here!" and "Where even is here?"

     But God never ceases to amaze me in how "all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose," (Romans 8:28) and that "He who has begun a good work in [me] (all of us) will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ..." (Philippians 1:6b). For, the beautiful lesson that I strongly believe God taught me as He carried me out of the grime was what it truly means to delight in the Word.

    

     Part of the reason I called the table of the LORD contemptible came from my lack of delight in the Word. Malachi prophesies, "'You also say, "Oh, what a weariness!" And you sneer at it,' says the LORD of hosts" (Malachi 1:13a). As much as I have delighted in the study of the Word, I strongly feel that I have long since neglected delighting in the meditation of the Word and the Word itself. Therefore, when I would look at the Word, I literally would begin to feel distaste. I normally had to force myself into the study of the Word but would later find that I had enjoyed the time. Yet, "oh, what a weariness," was always my cry, even if that cry had been hidden and suppressed. Therefore, I could not comprehend how God's Word could be sweet to the taste (Psalm 119:103).

     I could talk about its sweetness, and I could talk about how we do not know true fascination because we find the Word boring, but I could not comprehend the truths to these. This realization added even more mourning and confusion to the already suppressing lowland I walked in. But, as much as my love for Him kept me trudging on, I by no means was prepared for the breakthrough that He was about to pick me up and sit my feet back on solid ground with.
    

Before I share this next part, it needs to go said that I was not, by any means, debating apostasy. That was never an option or even a thought. My battle was with intimacy with God and with seeking to go up higher. My language may sound intense, but the Malachi parallel should back me up in saying that I am not alone in such battles. All of Israel seemed to go through a similar journey.

    

     Malachi begins with a beautiful declaration from God: "'I have loved you,' says the LORD" (Malachi 1:2a). And that, in extremely quiet tones, is how God began reviving me. I began saying, like Israel, "In what way have You loved [me]?" (Malachi 1:2b). Finally, I came to the point one night that I said, "It is useless to serve God; what profit is it that [I] have kept His ordinance, and that [I] have walked as [a mourner] before the LORD of hosts?" (Malachi 3:14). Broken and confused, I went to sleep saying, "Beloved, I love You, but I hurt so bad that I don't love the things You love, and that scares me."

     When I woke up, things of God instantly flooded my mind and eventually spread to my frame. I don't remember any morning grogginess that morning at all. I could not stop thinking about things of God, and I didn't have a single impure thought that I had to fight off. Over and over I heard the phrase, "There may be pain in the night, but joy comes with the morning." Then, the lyrics from the song, Times, by Tenth Avenue North began playing:

I hear You say, "My love is over, it's underneath / It's inside, it's in between, / These times you're healing and when your heart breaks / The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace / The times you're hurting / The times that you heal / The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal / In times of confusion and chaos and pain / I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame / I'm there through your heartache / I'm there in the storm / My love I will keep you by My power alone / I don't care where you've fallen, or where you have been / I'll never forsake you / My love never ends, it never ends"

     "How relentless is Your love!" was the only thing I could muster up saying. "Oh, how relentless is Your love!" "How do You have such relentless love?!" Then, quiet softly, God nudged me to open up the Word, so I asked, "Where do You want me to go?" And He replied, "Malachi." Which, of course, threw me for a loop. But, just to be honest, I was already in a loop! Therefore, I got to Malachi and read, "'I have loved you,' says the LORD." (Insert face melting guitar solo here).

     Going on from that phrase, every bit of Malachi answered what I needed, and He used it to quiet me with His love. Even when He led me to Romans and loved on me with His grace, He brought Malachi back into my mind. When I went back, I saw that the answer for how God has loved us is that He has chosen us (Malachi 1:2-3), and He defends us (Malachi 1:4). Those two summarize so very much of God's love for us. Romans highlighted His grace that has chosen us by grafting us onto the olive tree and His Spirit and the blood of Christ that defend us and fight for us. "Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and His ways past finding out!" (Romans 11:33).

     Two weeks and about three days ago I made the vow to "go up higher" with God. God puts the first bit of that journey into perspective through Malachi in saying, "'But cursed be the deceiver who has in his flock a male, and takes a vow, but sacrifices to the Lord what is blemished--for I am a great King,' says the LORD of hosts, 'and My name is to be feared among the nations'" (Malachi 1:14). As much as I have desired to know the name of the LORD and to seek after the knowledge of Him, I have traded my best sacrifice for a blemished sacrifice without hardly finding any fault in it (much like Israel). But praise be to the One who "is like a refiner's fire and like launderers' soap. He (Jesus Christ) will sit as a refiner and a purifier of silver; He will purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer to the LORD an offering in righteousness" (Malachi 3:2a-3).

     And when I finally listened to the still small voice, comfort and peace swept over me. He has taught me what it means to delight in the Word of the LORD. And, every single one of the things I have sought God's will for has been answered.

     If "going up higher" means that I must go lower, turn up the heat, O Refiner of the sons of Levi! For I long for Your presence, O LORD of hosts. I crave to pursue the knowledge of You, O YHWH! I desire to become more and more intimate with You, O Beloved and Lover of my soul!

     Hahahahahaha!!! Wooo!!! I am my Beloved's, and my Beloved is mine!

Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing. For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! in all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter.

-2Corinthians 7:9-11

Diving Into the Knowledge and Pursuit of God

     O how I long to delve deep into the knowledge of God! To truly lay my entire life at His feet as a living sacrifice and surrender all. It seems as though, with cries such as these, that the depths of my being yearn even more, but groan at a level that I, on my own, cannot bear. Without any way to truly express the pain felt over my own depravity, my spirit literally groans and this takes the place of words. Although unintelligible, the Spirit of God interprets, Jesus Christ intercedes, and the Father hears, but o how I long to delve deeper still into the knowledge of God!

    
     Faintly, but present even more, I hear angels, or perhaps Holy Spirit, singing, "Come up higher! Come up higher!" And my soul cries and yearns and stretches because of the battle between my flesh and my spirit. I crave to go up higher, but my flesh nags and nags that such a thing does not exist. So, I sit and question on how I am supposed to "go up higher," as the spiritual realm keeps singing. My spirit has no difficulty in understanding the "hows," but, with the battle raging, how am I supposed to quiet my flesh enough to hear the things of the spirit (Spirit)?

     And, of course, the blood of Christ covers my garments, thus putting an end to sin and making the battle a victory for God. But woe to those who believe not in resistance! We must gird ourselves with the full armor of God. Do not be deceived. Therefore, the spirit and the flesh live contrary to each other; and if such a thing exists within my being, am I myself divided? If my spirit longs for the depths of the knowledge of God, but my flesh seeks after the approval of man and a high position, how do I silence the part of me that desires the temporary, carnal, and worldly? How do I silence the flesh?

     When the spirit seeks after a separate peace, and even more, a unified alliance, but the flesh lives contrary to agreement with the spirit, what action can align the two? I know the Sunday school answer to this one!! Jesus...And rightly said, Jesus Christ has redeemed us from the power of the enemy, but Jesus does not make our own choices. Within covenant, He fights for us, but the battle continues to rage, and with such a contrary within us, how can we fully incline our spirit to Christ if the battle divides our full capacity? There must be more!
     Thus, the question arises to the throne: "Jesus, what could be better than You walking and living face-to-face with me?" For He Himself has told us that the Spirit comes as a Helper and that the coming of the Spirit is better than such a face-to-face as God walking amongst us. But a simple conversational answer to my pleas!


     And, therefore, the truth of the matter surfaces as the crux of plunging into the knowledge of God. The Spirit of God within grants us the power to dive in, but our (my) lack of trust and relationship with Holy Spirit has kept me in this state of spinning my wheels in the pursuit of the knowledge of God. He (Holy Spirit) lives within as the Spirit of Jesus Christ. We have better than the face-to-face with God because God dwells within! And the answer to going up higher with God comes in such a simple format that everyone who truly seeks God knows it before they seek it.
     It comes in the aspect of relationship. In my pleas, I find myself desiring the results of a deeper walk with God without putting forth the effort to actually take that deeper, more difficult path. I cry out, "Manifest Yourself to me!" and He replies, "Manifest yourself to Me!" Because relationship requires a duel balance, it only makes sense that both sides of a relationship must pour in the same amount. Otherwise, one carries the weight and the other simply causes an off-balance to things.
     The beauty of all of this comes when we actually put forth the effort to go up higher, and we realize that God has such a stronger desire for us to come up higher than we can ever muster up. So, the pain within me that yearns for more and more of the knowledge of God also dwells within God at such a greater magnitude. He yearns to manifest Himself to us. He does so, however, in His own timing and in such a way that we will yearn for Him and hunger for Him more and more.

     When we find such a desire within us (which should exist within every believer) to know God more, we (I) often allow it to slowly die away. This generation has seemed to rely upon "mountaintop experiences" instead of cultivating intimacy with God to glow with His glory in any circumstance. God beckons to this generation to jump into the fire, but this generation seems satisfied with dancing around another man's fire. In reality, when we pour our lives out as sweet perfume upon the feet of Jesus, we come to know the consuming fire that God is. And when one touches such a fire, they themselves become consumed!

     A.W. Tozer poses the question on how we would respond if one of the Seraphim mentioned in Revelation 4 came down to earth and stood in our pulpits. Keep in mind that these Seraphim have meditated upon the knowledge of God for all of eternity. Tozer writes, "Would he not charm and fascinate his hearers with rapturous descriptions of the Godhead? And after hearing him...would we not thereafter demand of those who presume to teach us that they speak to us from the mount of divine vision, or remain silent altogether?" (The Knowledge of the Holy, p. 71).
     And the "campfires" that we call "mountaintop experiences" tend to die away because of the poking and prodding and refining that God does when we begin to seek out the knowledge of Him. This happens because when we seek after knowing God, we seek after becoming like God. And we ourselves live far from that reality. The refining process, therefore, causes much pain and requires much energy and humiliation.


     A true hunger for God, nevertheless, counteracts this pain. We find ourselves beginning to walk in the flesh instead of the Spirit because we slowly stop feeding the spirit, and we feed the flesh instead of starving it. When we eat food that upsets our stomach, we do not stop eating for the rest of our lives. If we did so, our bodies would die. In the same way, our spirit needs food regardless of the bitterness of the transforming process.
     Revelation 10:8-11 and Ezekiel 2, 3:1-14 speak of such a process. The Word has sweetness upon our lips, but as we meditate upon it and digest it, we find that our inward man finds it bitter. At that point, we often back down from pursuing God, but it is that point that God uses to weed out those who truly hunger for Him.
     And that process of our renewal continues on and on and on because, as children of God, the Spirit of God dwells within, and when we beckon for Him to manifest Himself to us and truly live through us, He comes in to remodel the inward abode that we have so neglected. He comes to completely renovate our lives. This involves pain. Will we still pursue? Oh how great is the kindness and goodness of God that He does such a process within us to bring us closer to Himself!

    

     And such a journey has become my groaning for the past few weeks. I can hear God beckoning me to "Come up higher!" and I know how: prayer, fasting, meditation, and study of the Word. But that does not merely include a cliché listing of such disciplines. It requires a lifestyle. A lifestyle of fasting. Fasting of time, energy, and all selfish desires. Such a decision requires taking up a cross and loving God in such a way that every other love appears as hate. It requires denying and dying to myself daily to follow Him. And such a journey does not end until life on this earth ends. There will always be higher grounds. We live for eternity, but we die daily.

     And the funny thing about all of this? I long to jump in deeper more than I desire to remain where I am. Woe to the complacent! Woe to those satisfied with not going higher! Woe to the babes who should be fully grown! Here I am God! I'm tired of this inward battle to stay where I am! LORD, I want to know You!