For starters, let me explain why I spoke of today as yesterday's tomorrow. Yesterday's tomorrow adds unnecessary complication to the title of "today." In the pursuit of God's will, things often get a tad twisted and therefore complicated. It's not that God's will gets twisted. I get twisted.
Most of where I begin (and hopefully I can now say began) twisting things comes after God answers me. Confusing, right? Well, the problem comes when I deny the still small voice and begin looking for His voice amongst a strong wind, an earthquake, or a fire. Basically, I doubt His first answer and implore Him to give me some prophetic vision or dream, some supernatural and undeniable event, or a clear-as-day smack on the face so that I know for sure what He said. I don't mean to say that there is anything wrong with these, what's wrong comes in my lack of allowing the Word to confirm what I heard from the Spirit.
Sometimes God speaks through the obvious. Moses experienced this on numerous occasions, and Paul recounted his "blinding" experience over and over throughout the course of his life. But it seems that most of the time God's will comes in that still and small voice. My response to the still small voice normally twists and complicates things. When Elijah heard the still small voice in 1Kings 19:11-18, verse 13 says that "he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave." I don't know for certain if he wrapped his face because of the powerful wind that just swept by, but I think that that explanation would only scratch the surface.
Elijah, a prophet of the LORD, knew the voice of the LORD, and he knew that the wind, earthquake, and fire that just swept by came from the glory of God. I do not know why Elijah "wrapped his face in his mantle," but it seems that he paid some sort of reverence to God's holiness in his approach of Him. And thus lies my first fault: I approached God with a lack of reverence. I began seeking some great and mighty sign and actually came to the point that I said to myself, "The table of the LORD is contemptible (to be despised)" (Malachi 1:7c).
Intense, right? Ya, I was in a low place. But praise God that, by His grace, He picked me up out of the net, widened the path beneath my feet, and led me to the book of Malachi, where Israel had made all the mistakes that I lived in at that time.
I share this because of the ease at which I slipped into territory that scared me clean out of my mind. I literally found myself crying out, "Where am I?" to God. And, in a society that seeks the supernatural and seeks a sign as fervently as the one we live in, I have a new compassion and anguish for those who walk not by faith and rather by sight. Even the signs and wonders that we should seek (e.g., biblical healing, deliverance, prophecy, words of knowledge, and other sign gifts, all of which are used for the glory of God) come by faith and not by works.
Malachi summarizes all of this by proclaiming God's heart in saying:
"A son honors his father, and a servant his master. If then I am the Father, where is My honor? And if I am a Master, where is My reverence? Says the LORD of hosts to you priests who despise My name. Yet you say, 'In what way have we despised Your name?' You offer defiled food on My altar, but say, 'In what way have we defiled You?' By saying, 'The table of the LORD is contemptible.' And when you offer the blind as a sacrifice, is it not evil? And when you offer the lame and sick, is it not evil? Offer it then to your governor! Would he be pleased with you? Would he accept you favorably?" Says the LORD of hosts.
-Malachi 1:6-8
So, Elijah "wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave." As for myself, when I heard the still small voice, I immediately ran out of the cave in hopes that I would feel the power of the mighty wind, hear the thunderous pounding and splitting of the rocks from the earthquake, or catch aflame in the heat of the great and magnificent fire. And, in my pursuit of something magnificent, I missed the beautiful voice of my Beloved softly speaking in my ear. Thus, while Elijah heard the voice that comforted him and asked, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" (1Kings 19:13), I found myself in a foreign country, fearing even more for my life than before, and imploring of God, "What am I doing here!" and "Where even is here?"
But God never ceases to amaze me in how "all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose," (Romans 8:28) and that "He who has begun a good work in [me] (all of us) will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ..." (Philippians 1:6b). For, the beautiful lesson that I strongly believe God taught me as He carried me out of the grime was what it truly means to delight in the Word.
Part of the reason I called the table of the LORD contemptible came from my lack of delight in the Word. Malachi prophesies, "'You also say, "Oh, what a weariness!" And you sneer at it,' says the LORD of hosts" (Malachi 1:13a). As much as I have delighted in the study of the Word, I strongly feel that I have long since neglected delighting in the meditation of the Word and the Word itself. Therefore, when I would look at the Word, I literally would begin to feel distaste. I normally had to force myself into the study of the Word but would later find that I had enjoyed the time. Yet, "oh, what a weariness," was always my cry, even if that cry had been hidden and suppressed. Therefore, I could not comprehend how God's Word could be sweet to the taste (Psalm 119:103).
I could talk about its sweetness, and I could talk about how we do not know true fascination because we find the Word boring, but I could not comprehend the truths to these. This realization added even more mourning and confusion to the already suppressing lowland I walked in. But, as much as my love for Him kept me trudging on, I by no means was prepared for the breakthrough that He was about to pick me up and sit my feet back on solid ground with.
Before I share this next part, it needs to go said that I was not, by any means, debating apostasy. That was never an option or even a thought. My battle was with intimacy with God and with seeking to go up higher. My language may sound intense, but the Malachi parallel should back me up in saying that I am not alone in such battles. All of Israel seemed to go through a similar journey.
Malachi begins with a beautiful declaration from God: "'I have loved you,' says the LORD" (Malachi 1:2a). And that, in extremely quiet tones, is how God began reviving me. I began saying, like Israel, "In what way have You loved [me]?" (Malachi 1:2b). Finally, I came to the point one night that I said, "It is useless to serve God; what profit is it that [I] have kept His ordinance, and that [I] have walked as [a mourner] before the LORD of hosts?" (Malachi 3:14). Broken and confused, I went to sleep saying, "Beloved, I love You, but I hurt so bad that I don't love the things You love, and that scares me."
When I woke up, things of God instantly flooded my mind and eventually spread to my frame. I don't remember any morning grogginess that morning at all. I could not stop thinking about things of God, and I didn't have a single impure thought that I had to fight off. Over and over I heard the phrase, "There may be pain in the night, but joy comes with the morning." Then, the lyrics from the song, Times, by Tenth Avenue North began playing:
I hear You say, "My love is over, it's underneath / It's inside, it's in between, / These times you're healing and when your heart breaks / The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace / The times you're hurting / The times that you heal / The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal / In times of confusion and chaos and pain / I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame / I'm there through your heartache / I'm there in the storm / My love I will keep you by My power alone / I don't care where you've fallen, or where you have been / I'll never forsake you / My love never ends, it never ends"
"How relentless is Your love!" was the only thing I could muster up saying. "Oh, how relentless is Your love!" "How do You have such relentless love?!" Then, quiet softly, God nudged me to open up the Word, so I asked, "Where do You want me to go?" And He replied, "Malachi." Which, of course, threw me for a loop. But, just to be honest, I was already in a loop! Therefore, I got to Malachi and read, "'I have loved you,' says the LORD." (Insert face melting guitar solo here).
Going on from that phrase, every bit of Malachi answered what I needed, and He used it to quiet me with His love. Even when He led me to Romans and loved on me with His grace, He brought Malachi back into my mind. When I went back, I saw that the answer for how God has loved us is that He has chosen us (Malachi 1:2-3), and He defends us (Malachi 1:4). Those two summarize so very much of God's love for us. Romans highlighted His grace that has chosen us by grafting us onto the olive tree and His Spirit and the blood of Christ that defend us and fight for us. "Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and His ways past finding out!" (Romans 11:33).
Two weeks and about three days ago I made the vow to "go up higher" with God. God puts the first bit of that journey into perspective through Malachi in saying, "'But cursed be the deceiver who has in his flock a male, and takes a vow, but sacrifices to the Lord what is blemished--for I am a great King,' says the LORD of hosts, 'and My name is to be feared among the nations'" (Malachi 1:14). As much as I have desired to know the name of the LORD and to seek after the knowledge of Him, I have traded my best sacrifice for a blemished sacrifice without hardly finding any fault in it (much like Israel). But praise be to the One who "is like a refiner's fire and like launderers' soap. He (Jesus Christ) will sit as a refiner and a purifier of silver; He will purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer to the LORD an offering in righteousness" (Malachi 3:2a-3).
And when I finally listened to the still small voice, comfort and peace swept over me. He has taught me what it means to delight in the Word of the LORD. And, every single one of the things I have sought God's will for has been answered.
If "going up higher" means that I must go lower, turn up the heat, O Refiner of the sons of Levi! For I long for Your presence, O LORD of hosts. I crave to pursue the knowledge of You, O YHWH! I desire to become more and more intimate with You, O Beloved and Lover of my soul!
Hahahahahaha!!! Wooo!!! I am my Beloved's, and my Beloved is mine!
Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing. For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! in all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter.
-2Corinthians 7:9-11
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